Sandy Dixon part 2

Sandy reflects on the kettles, the women and the freak-out that led him into a bizarre cult.

“Having cleaned out mum’s retirement fund and hocked the wife’s jewellery I had enough cash to open up a workshop and start pimping. The day I opened my doors there was a line of people stretching half way down the street holding all sorts of crappy kettles. There were even a couple of jokers who wanted me to pimp their urns!

I was getting orders coming in from all across Australia and overseas. A Prince in Saudi Arabia wanted sixty gold plated kettles and I even did a diamond encrusted number for the guy who made his fortune inventing edible undies.

They were crazy times. My life was a blur of hot kettles, wild parties, groupies and Fantastic Noodle binges that would sometimes last for days. It was at one such party I met Shandy, the crowned Miss Kettle of 1984. The affair lasted for two years until the day my wife discovered the two of us covered in noodles in the back of Shandy’s Gemini. I freaked out. I couldn’t handle the scene anymore. That’s when I ran away and joined a cult.

For the next fifteen years I led a life of obscurity spending my days meditating, chanting and searching for UFOs. If the authorities hadn’t stormed the compound I’d probably still be there today.

I’m pretty much semi-retired these days. I’m running a course in Kettle Pimping and am working with some software guys on a game called Grand Theft Kettle. There’s also a book and movie deal in the pipeline. Sure, if someone offered me a million to do a kettle I’d think about it but until then I’m happy to be ‘off the boil’ as we say in the business.